A boycott essay

For reasons that surpass my understanding, just when I thought that the boycott we are currently taking part of as medical students (and which we won’t be ending until things get better for us no matter how hard circumstances get for the moment) would be a reason I would write more, it somehow wasn’t.

I have always admitted that I was never really a long vacation person; the lack of something obligatory and fundamental in my everyday life makes me unhinged. I genuinely need that thing we generally hate (in my case it was rotations in the hospital and classes in university, or it could be, in the future, something as a job), I need it to be present in my life so that I could enjoy other things that I like doing such as reading books, learning something new, writing, etc. I need  structure, a program, preferably with something that we collectively as a society agree upon it to be an activity that makes us “productive”, because I cannot live in peace for a long time without feeling that way, I unsheathe my will to live and my happiness from the feeling that I did something that contributed to society, in a conventional traditional sort of way, because if “fun” is all the activity you can do, it is not fun anymore and it withholds no real value or meaning. But then, more essentially, I need that thing we are morally, socially, economically and practically obliged to do so that I can get out of bed and not rot next to my potential, thoughts and feelings, which if you haven’t noticed so far, I have a ludicrously capacious storage of.

I need to be active, to barely have time to check my phone, to be so tired that I can’t keep entertaining my thoughts at night and amuse my maladaptive daydreaming, to have tasks so that I don’t pick up on silly little things and make a fuss out of nothing, such as not reciprocating my energy, or taking an eternity to text back, or that the dishes were not done the way they should be done or the laundry not being folded the correct way.

Before this whole mess of a phase we are currently undergoing has started, I remember my family and loved ones being more worried than I was about the boycott because they knew they would have to deal with my upcoming nonsense (and bullshit honestly) due to the additional free time I will have on my hands, which was so funny to me (back then, not anymore).

But I guess, I have to look at the bright side and admit that this “long break” has helped me figure out one of my biggest dilemmas ever. Now I can admit, with lots of conviction, persuasion, serenity and openness: Not even in my wildest dreams ever again will I think of being a housewife. I spent the last 4 years seriously wondering how would that be like as a lifestyle and if I was missing out on some fun or rest, but the answer is I was only missing out killing myself (I am joking, not suicidal).

Seriously though, it is exhausting (and I am only speaking on behalf of myself because if you want to be a stay at home wife (or husband) go and do not take my word for it), can you imagine waking up every day with the possibility of being able to do anything you would like to do but then feel paralyzed because you know you could do it tomorrow since you are free anyway? And this process lingers on day after day after day until a month has passed and you haven’t really done much because you have all the time this existence has to offer.

I won’t lie and say that I haven’t really done anything at all, since the boycott has started I have studied for a while, watched plenty of old movie, I have watched succession (what a great show!), travelled, read a bunch of books, tried learning a new language, learned some cool information about sharks, took a course on marine biology, another on psychology and another on physiology, went out a lot, exercised and started taking yoga classes, bought several cool unnecessary things because I had a messed up sleeping schedule and impulsive buying loves the tenderness of the night, but then, nothing fills the void. Nothing has sense anymore, nothing compares to the dopamine I get out of a long day in which I have made mini active steps towards being the person I want to be one day, every day feels like a new opportunity to be stuck even more than yesterday, especially because of my impossibility to let go and live; I need things to go my way or not have them at all, and uncertainty makes me throw everything away, even the prospects and promise of something good may go to waste because it is filled with the unknown and doubt.

But this boycott again has been an occasion for me to self-assess and examine some of my ideas that I have been sticking to for a while, like communication being key in relationships. I don’t know if that has worked for any of you but it most certainly hasn’t worked for me, which lead me to think that communication was never the key to anything. What I have come to guess is that disappointment is. Think about it, if you were ever on an argument with somebody who means to you and knows everything about you and the next thing that comes out of their mouths is something utterly daggering, or their misunderstand of a situation you have been over and over for many times is frustrating at this point, you don’t feel furious, you don’t feel wrathful or fuming with anger, you are simply silently sadly disappointed, and if you are an over thinker like me, it will probably cross your mind  later at night, the time(s) you have put someone in that same situation. Your disappointment that moment is the closest connection, understanding and empathetic experience you will ever reach to try and recognize someone else’s true feelings and the impact you thought was silly, was not really silly nor insignificant, but is truly piercing.

One of the other things I have been thinking about lately is how to address anger, or the loss of something, specifically the sadness, disappointment and void that comes along with it, it could be the loss of a project you were clinging on to, a person, a plan, anything. Is keeping busy the better way or is sinking in your emotions the solution?

As someone who takes refuge in distraction and avoidance to deal with any emotion or issue, everything feels steady and problems seem inexistent and blocked in the back of my mind without any access to my consciousness at least. But once the distraction has passed, drips of whatever I was avoiding start to leak and it only takes moments before everything starts to come back in strong waves like the ones you see on Tiktok of the North Sea and I do wonder sometimes if sitting with my silly feelings over a cup of coffee would solve the issue, because it seems to be working for others, and it doesn’t in my case due to my tendency to shift with them to places we didn’t know existed, or because it causes me to stay in bed all day, or be grumpy for the rest of the day and not talk to anybody.

Then, somehow, from that point, I got to think about how easy it is to make ourselves always seem like a victim during conflicts, it is literally the most unchallenging effortless task to try and justify our actions and pattern of behaviours because of “past trauma” we have endured during past seasons of life, and it is child’s play to blame everything we do today on yesterday’s bumps we encountered as we made our way through life, without any consideration or reflection to what other people may have gotten through; the same experiences if not worse, and that if we meant enough for someone for them to overcome their troubles and meet us half the way towards our sources of distress, we should be kind enough to not make our antecedents dictate our relationship with them and withdraw where they come from and what they have brought from the gift shop of the past.

And this lead me to think about if all feelings matter. What is the line once crossed, your feelings don’t matter anymore and you should get yourself together? Because we seem to live in a modern time and society in which we are so convinced that the whole world should care about our feelings and accommodate them, that systems should change because we feel things should go our way, that life should revolve around our comfort without additional thought to other people’s well-being. It seems that in a hazy moment of this existence, we have become so sensitive, not as immune as we used to be to external everyday problems and weak facing things that, even though hard or uncomfortable, are necessary for our growth and prosperity, essential to shape us, not in the sense of losing our essence and ourselves, but to solidify us and make us stand taller and stronger to the hardships and difficulties of life. Last time I checked, the diligent assiduous Rory Gilmore in Gilmore girls, a person with a bright potential but in an environment so focused on pleasing her and not hurting her feelings, crushed in front of the first test life has put her through, languished facing the first criticism she received and traded a brilliant education for an average career. And because the big world doesn’t care about Rory’s feelings the same way her little Stars Hollow town did, she stumbled upon life’s hurdles and refused to get up and continue, simple due to her conviction that she was entitled to everything around her.

People who refuse to address their issues and their lack of authority on their own feelings because they think everyone has to accommodate their sentiments and emotional baggage without any active initiatives from them to try and modulate themselves or endeavours to not repeat toxic patterns that have resulted in whatever they complain about are a real pandemic nowadays and this expands today on what we witness around us, with people feeling like animals or objects for instance, which you can only ignore for a long time until it becomes seriously alarming and dangerous and gives emergence to people who feel like children only to give pedophilia a new modern facade.

Anyway, this was just a random essay because I have missed writing, I would like to convey your attention again to the boycott medical and pharmacy students are partaking to defend and advocate for their rights for a better education and active supervision from their professors, limit the escalating number of new students each year without the arrangement and readying of a proper sufficient infrastructure amongst many other legitimate demands.

It has been truly saddening, sorrowing and sulky to witness our government and professors once again stand in the wrong side of history, treating their students who they once called “crème de la crème” as convicted criminals, prohibiting them from moving across the country from a city to another, from legalizing documents, from manifesting and protecting, from any extracurricular activities, from meeting with parliament members and then preceding to threaten our representatives and delegates with suspension/expulsion without any proofs for the accusations directed to them. (Hello North Korea!)

It is important to remind you that this is the same country that wants to welcome people from all over the world by organizing a world cup, a country with no infrastructure for education or health but most importantly a corrupt legal system (no need to remind you of last year’s scandal, when only nepo-babies -relatives to lawyers and judges- passed the bar exam).

And when you think things couldn’t get worse, they most definitely can and that is when you check the comment section of any article or video about the boycott, you would find citizens standing against you and your cause, because they are so wired against health professionals who immigrate (due to the intolerable working conditions, the lack of materials, the pitiful salaries) and because they would rather pay any possible bill you can think of unless a medical one.

I know that I, as a medical student part of this whole chaos, am not the only one struggling with something in this country, but I would like us all to tell the true story and side of this country, any time you would see someone brag about it or a tourist talk about how advanced or charming it is and how people are just so unconditionally kind. They are not.

And also remind them that the same country that wants to organize a world cup still has its people living in tents in the mountains, after the tragic dreadful earthquake that has taken lives and destroyed homes.