I knew love

Most of the things we know in life come from our experiences. Even our feelings are inspired by the things we experienced and underwent; fear of heat, craving pasta, nostalgia for childhood etc. But sometimes we know things thanks to all the things they are not and that we encountered, meaning that our knowledge about some things comes from a past where we experienced the contrary of what we know now.

As for me, it was love.

I once thought that love meant to endure all the bad and toxic traits a person has for the sake of loving and being loved. That when being told “I love you” when someone did me wrong made up for all of the mistakes they did- while on the contrary it only made me enter a state of confusion where I do not know if I have the right to be mad or not, because in my memory, when love was mad, it did not make me feel loved, so being mad at love meant I do not love and for that I felt guilty, I should not be mad at love.

I thought that love had to suffocate me, question every move I do and not trust me because it wanted to protect me, it stole away my liberty and did everything to make me feel dependent to it and manipulated my dependence the way it wanted to make me feel like I cannot live or function without it. Love was supposed to lie to me to make me happy and to provide me a delusional moment full of joy instead of telling me a hard truth. Love thought it could bribe me, blind me, bragged about “tolerating me”, took it as a mission to abort every opportunity of seeing me flourish and bloom, hated it, thought it was a threat and did everything it could to deviate my attention from my growth and love to myself, to feed its weak ego and drain my energy.

Love accused you of not loving it, put you in a position where you always had to explain yourself and prove that you were innocent, it made you feel bad for having another center of attention, it took it personal when you got upset, thought you were defying it when you got mad and ignored your sadness because it did not care and saw it as an attempt to only get attention.

Love was consuming in the most awful of ways and at the end of the day, it left you with a confused and lost heart, filled of feelings of guilt, tiredness, fear, instability and that’s when it threw “I love you”, in your weakest moments, to make sure it always had you under its wing because it feared your rebellion.

Love was chaotic, impulsive, easily angered, unstable and weakening.

One day you wake up, you do not understand how time flew, you realize your sadness and misery, your eyes that once were shiny are now dull, you don’t find a will to wake up for another day, you don’t style your hair the way you used to do and it’s always on a boring low bun or an awful ugly ponytail. You don’t paint your nails as you used to, because whenever you did something for yourself, love thought you were trying to impress someone else. Your perfume doesn’t smell good anymore because whenever you have worn it, you were with love, and it’s now associated to all the bad memories you’ve recently had and it reminds you of them.

You realize love hurts more than it cares, it hurts more than it protects, it hurts more than it makes you happy and it hurts more than it loves.

May be it was not love.

You quite what you thought was love, still not knowing exactly what it was but at least you know what it wasn’t, but the sad part about it is that even when you left it, it did not leave you, sequels of it still haunt you, your trust issues, your over-thinking, your anxiety that you never had but is now a constant part of your life, the need to justify yourself all the time to others, your codependency, etc.

You know when you want to download something and it takes so much time, you try to ignore it and look away thinking that it would download faster? There came a part of your life where you tried to turn your face from love in order to find. “I don’t think I believe in love”, words you said to distract yourself while compensating the void with loads of romance books, movies, series and while craving a healthy romance but with a scared heart, traumatized of what you once thought was love.

One day, after a series of events, you meet love again, you still don’t know it yet, but it will later prove to you that it is indeed love.

Love came slow to your life, without making a noise. It walked peacefully and confidently into your existence.

It asked you “how are you” and expected true answers. When you were upset, it took as its sacred duty to cheer you up.

Love came in as a genuine friendship in which you always had so much fun, enjoyed your time, felt no pressure, made no effort and shared so much laughter.

It sent you its favorite music and shyly hoped for you to think that every word was about you.

Love gave you its sandals at the beach because you forgot yours and the sand was burning the sole of your feet. It kissed your finger when you cut it with a knife or hit it with a wall because you were clumsy. Love made sure you wore your helmet right before it started driving its motorcycle and it gave you the last slice of pizza or cake.

When sitting in a café or restaurant, love made sure you sit in the best seat so you could have the best lightning when it takes a picture of you and so you could have the best view. It was obsessed with you in the best of ways.

Love compared the scar that you wore insecurely on your left arm since you were a kid to an iris flower and loved it more than you would’ve imagined.

Love was patient and never accused you. You never felt afraid of it or around it. It never stood as a fence between you and your growth. It wanted you to thrive and prosper.

With love, you felt at ease, serene, calm, and tranquil like when you lay down on warm sand on a warm day of spring at the beach.

Love was never violent or abusive; it was soft, gentle but always strong and protective over you in the most beautiful of ways. It was gracious, kind, generous and proud of you. It felt stable with a beautiful sense of adventure, it never harmed you, it never hurt you and it never made you feel bad about yourself and never missed an opportunity to say “you’re so beautiful”.

Love came into your life with glorious technic colors; colors you’ve never seen or knew exist.

Love flourished as you flourish, it watered you as you watered it, it wasn’t selfish or egocentric, and when it was mad, it kept making sure you were and felt loved.

Love doesn’t say “I love you” when it wants to say “I am sorry”, it acknowledges its mistakes, it admits them, assumes them, and corrects them.

When you were tired, love made sure you rest, when you were happy, love made sure you stay happy.

Love saw you happy with others and did not try to take that away from you; it did not fake scenarios or accuse you of caring less about it because you “dared” have fun without its presence.

Love encouraged you to be independent and wanted you to succeed with or without it, it sincerely wished you the best and wanted to be the best for you, which inspired you everyday to be the best for it.

When love knew a movie was good, it refused to watch it all by itself and waited for you to watch it together, when it heard a good song, it didn’t keep it to itself, it sent it to you. Love saw you as its significant other and thought about you in its most insignificant moments.

Love wasn’t narcissistic, it didn’t try to impress others at the expense of your own happiness, health or comfort.

Is this love? You ask yourself.

You remember all the things you know love wasn’t supposed to make you feel and with a feeling that resembles a breeze on your face in the afternoon of a very warm summer, a feeling like a light wind that gently caresses your face and hair, you are sure this is Love because as said in the bible: ”love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

You look at love now and you know it’s enough for you.

It looks at you, and you know you’re enough for it.